1/30/24

react/respond

today lanie had an off day. she was very caught up with being sad, with identifying with sadness. she was sad, and i reacted poorly. i said something and it was like a switch that flipped. and for the rest of the day it was this lingering anxiety from me, trying to make it better. which reinstated that there was a problem, which there really wasn't. her exact words at the end of the day were ‘can i not have an off day?’ and that is sticking with me because yes lanie you can have an off day and i dont know why im not letting you.

lanie doesn't want the reactive sawyer, she wants the responding sawyer. the sawyer that is here now. i got so caught up in trying to be the aid, the helper that i solidified stress. everything is truly solved by this present moment and not getting caught up. that anxiety is my pushback, my problem. it's all a tool to work with, it's there to show me what to do. it's a reflection of me. up to me to see it through clearly. i am sawyer, with complete available sawyerness.

love is insane. it brings you everywhere. it shows you everything, just to bring you back to it. i love you