Thinking  7/25/23

when i'm in my head thinking of life, and get caught up in what to think or what to do, i can sink in to where i am now and be present. most of my thinking when i'm thinking inwardly nowadays just feels like a plea for control. this globe is spinning pretty fast i don't think i have much control of anything. trying so hard to get somewhere when you're already there is hilarious. so many things are ‘solved’ by knowing only a few things. a lot of things i'm not happy with or want to ‘fix’ will be accepted as a side effect of learning these things, or willing to accept them.

thinking is hard and confusing but i guess that's to be expected at this age. i would just like to kid myself all day. and often, that is what i do! apparently i am very much of a fan of convincing myself that something is wrong when nothing is significantly wrong in my life. im pretty sure it has everything to do with getting a peek into what bliss is and what life could be from playing with meditation and things similar to such ;)  so my ego for once has been identified with a perception and i put the big rusty spotlight on it, the one that squeaks horribly when you roll it. and that my friend is just weird to get used to but at least for this life, its Very Necessary to where i want to go.